Triumph Over Depression

What expectations do you have for yourself? If you set the bar too high, you are vulnerable to disappointments and unhappiness…followed by frustration, anxiety, and stress. 

 Let me give you an extreme but actual example. When I was attending college in California, I engaged in a conversation with another student before class. He had such high expectations for himself that he said to me, “If I were ever to receive a B in any class, I would consider suicide.” I had high expectations for myself academically as well, and achieved a grade point average of 3.7 in my undergraduate degree at a mid-sized college in Northwest Minnesota. 

 But when I enrolled at the University of Minnesota in a graduate program, I thought I had suddenly become dumb, for no grade lower than a B would be credited to my degree, and I was struggling to achieve even that. I became frustrated, anxious, and somewhat depressed with my academic achievement.  Then one day I realized I was at a higher level in the educational ladder, like the difference between the minor leagues and major leagues in baseball, and I had best lower my expectations. When I did so,  I relaxed and earned a master’s degree in English Literature in less than two years – barely above a 3.0 average, but what difference does that make now?

 My advice is an old saying that sounds cynical, but it’s really freeing: “No expectations, no disappointments.”  

One reader commenting about my last blog said that I was telling my client to “get well and she would immediately feel better.” I need to explain things more clearly. Having gone through four years of depression myself, I am horrified by anyone saying anything approaching, “just get over it.” Let me use my own understanding of the stress bucket to explain what I mean by this illustration.

In my early years of depression, I didn’t fully grasp how devastating stress was to my condition. Once I grasped the concept of a stress bucket, there was finally something I could do about my depression other than taking medication and going through psychotherapy.

Let me give you an example of one day. Three years ago, I was having a particularly stressful day at work anyway when a co-worker came storming into my office to challenge me on why something had not been completed that day. There was an explanation, but I could see he was looking for an argument, and I was ready to put him in his place, and he seemed to sense that. Knowing my stress bucket was filled to the top, I asked if we could discuss the matter the next morning after we both cooled off, and he agreed. This was not my usual method of operation, but my awareness of how stress could affect my mood guided me into doing things differently.

That evening, I was confronted with an aggravating computer glitch that turned into a full-blown high-stress situation when the customer service person I was talking to was rude and less than helpful. Instead of becoming angry and yelling at the person, I calmly told her we were ending the conversation and I’d deal with it another day.

I had successfully kept my stress bucket from overflowing but it was still too full for me to look forward to a peaceful night of sleep. What I didn’t need is any more stimulation, including watching TV. So I sat in a chair, read a novel for the better part of an hour, and then listened to soothing music before going to bed. By the time I turned off the lights, my stress bucket was less than half full and I was rested when I woke up the next morning.

During the days before I understood the stress bucket, I would have had the argument at the end of the day, lost my temper with the computer person, and watched an action-filled detective story on TV. That night I would not have slept well and would have woken up the next morning tired and on the edge of depression. A couple more days like that and my hovering on the edge of depression would have been replaced by being sucked into the pit.

As we all know, there is a very close connection between stress and the afflictions of depression and anxiety.

I was coaching a client who had been struggling with low-grade depression for several years, which sometimes flared up into major depression. I was not making much headway until I discussed with her the idea that she was overloading her stress bucket.

I told her that some people had large stress buckets and some people like us who are prone to depression have smaller stress buckets and must be vigilant to keep them from overflowing. Suddenly hope came into her face and she said with excitement, “So, what I need to do is keep stress under control and I won’t be depressed.” I replied, “For you, that is the case.”

The next time I saw her she was still excited. “The last three weeks have gone very well for me. I have used the tools you gave me to hold stress down and I’m feeling better than I have for a long time.” There was on her face a smile that replaced the glum look I had been used to seeing. Such a simple concept gave her a visual that allowed her to see a solution to her depression for the first time.